Blogs, Facts of Life, Shaun

Jaw on the Floor

Here is my resume for the Phoenix Suns’ Floor Mopper position that just opened up.

Shaun El-Ters

My Mom’s Basement, Close Enough to Suns’ Stadium

pleasegivemethisjobplease@gmail.com

928-867-5309

Objective

Utilize my excellent mopping skills, superb mop history, and quick reaction time to become a Phoenix Suns’ floor mopper.

Education

Mom’s House
Major: What is 12 years of Jeopardy watching?
Minor: Three dozen episodes of Wheel of Fortune.
Additional Education:

  • Comprehensive understanding of Hogwart’s architecture.
  • Watched every Suns’ game since 1987

Relevant Skills

  • 6 years of mopping my floor
  • Ability to work in a fast-paced environment
  • Phenomenal ability to define liquid, especially on wood floors
  • Above-average knowledge of sweat and its reaction with wood floors
  • Motivated and hard working
  • Personable
  • Possess efficient mopping technique

Employment Experience

Mom’s House                                                            Phoenix, AZ
Floor mopper and sweeper                                       October 1986-What month is it now?

Supervisor Name: Mom

Supervisor Phone: Not sure, I have her on speed dial.

Job Duties /Accomplishments:

  • Experience working in a crowded and fast paced environment while being asked why I didn’t do anything with my life.
  • Developed efficient mopping skills that allowed me to both mop and watch highlights of Suns’ games from the other room.
  • Studied current Suns’ floor moppers to learn technique and timing.
  • Developed ability to acquiesce to any demand due to my complete and systematic loss of pride.
  • Endured my father’s shame.
  • Established positive and supportive relationships guests of the house and a few of my little sister’s friends.
  • Formed calluses on my hands that prevent blisters from forming due to overwork.
  • Demonstrated leadership when my mom was gone for more than an hour grocery shopping and I called the police.
  • Exposed to frequent mopping practice when my sister’s friends intentionally spill soda on the floor and demand that I immediately mop it up. Then they laugh at me, but I don’t mind.

Mom’s Backyard                                                            Phoenix, AZ
Pretend Mopping Team Leader                                      For as long as I can remember.

Supervisor Name: Imaginary Steve Nash

Supervisor Phone: I talk to him whenever I want.

Job Duties/Accomplishments:

  • Lead a team of moppers and sweepers during pretend Suns’ games taking place in the pretend US Airways Center in my Mom’s backyard.
  • Promoted to Mopping Team Leader due to my uncanny mopping abilities and hard work ethic.
  • Voted fan favorite mopper four years running.
  • Steve Nash gives me high fives when he runs through the tunnel.

Additional Skills/Hobbies

  • Sewing realistic, lifesize Steve Nash dolls
  • Mop at 14 square feet per minute
  • Follow Steve Nash on Twitter
  • Please give me this job

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