People’s capacity for settling is staggering.

I’m no exception. My entire life has been one of stark contradiction, dictated by both faceless society and those closest to me. Their words, telling me to stop at nothing to pursue what makes me happy and reach the depths of my potential, and yet their actions and reflected beliefs conditioning me to place no priority higher than that of reaching certain goals as deemed appropriate by the general public’s conventional wisdom. To reach a socially acceptable end, regardless of the means. Attaining goals for the goals sake.

When I chose to get an English degree, I inherently made an entire series of decisions that would seal the next seven years of my life. After all, law was the next logical progression; not because I particularly liked (or even cared about) the field, but because I was told by family/friends/society that it was the only really viable career possible with my area of study. I didn’t forge ahead and take a chance, because I couldn’t possibly conjure that route as a possibility. How could I? Much like the idea of “censored vocabulary” explored in George Orwell’s 1984, if a thought process or idea is foreign to you or completely absent altogether, it’s difficult to formulate those thoughts on your own.

So instead of forging ahead, taking chances, and finding what it was I really loved, I took the safe track and settled for the choice that was put in front of me by everyone but myself. The world told me it’s better to spend your life wondering “what if” then to actually find out for yourself and deal with whatever consequences await.

Relationships follow this same trend. The arbitrary dates I set for myself mandated that I find someone to marry by my early 20s, at any cost. If the relationship stems more from compatibility than a real connection, that was okay. After all, when faced with the ticking time bomb of our biological clocks, affectionate tolerance is a suitable replacement for deeper emotions.

When did this become okay? And why is it so wrong to buck the trend? We are so wrapped up in roles and forced perspectives that it’s hard to realize when you yourself have been swept up in those views. Again, I’m no exception. Friends abandoned big budget careers to pursue far less lucrative passions, and I would judge them every step of the way. People I knew were either dating endlessly or getting married too unconventionally, and I wondered what was wrong with them.

Since when did the goal become anything but being happy, and pursuing goals based on that endgame? When financial security or ancillary personality traits become the primary traits we use to judge who we dedicate our lives to, isn’t that a problem? Can’t we hold out for something better? Or are we so jaded that the notion of something deeper than compatibility just doesn’t exist anymore? That the idea of “romance” and “love” is reserved for hopelessly naïve minds destined to die alone and Taylor Swift choruses?

Maybe it all stems from the fear of pain. Fear of feeling hurt, of experiencing rejection, of being alone. I get that. Pain sucks. But it shouldn’t be what deters us from taking risks on what makes us happy. It’s your decision alone to keep that job you hate, or to stay in a relationship where full contentment is secondary to familiarity.

However, it’s important to realize the role that suffering plays in shaping and refining you as an individual. Poet Marcel Proust once talked about how experiencing pain is a fundamental part of the human experience — that, when he looks back on his life, the times when he settled for the easy road were essentially a waste of time, because it failed to cultivate him in any meaningful way as human being and prevented him from learning about himself. Pain is a catalyst for growth and change. It helps shape you into who we are, and we shouldn’t be afraid to risk that in the effort to transcend settling for less than what makes us happy.

Sometimes it’s important to remember that when it’s all said and done, you’re in control of the decisions you make, not anyone else around you. It’s not easy. Sometimes the things you want won’t even make sense. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use your entire being to go after them. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do what you love, society be damned. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hold out for that person who makes you laugh, makes you want to be better, makes you flutter at their thought. Perhaps I’m excessively romanticizing all of it, and everything I’ve said is childish and silly. Maybe so.

But much like everything else in life, I’d rather stop settling for mediocrity, go against the grain to find what makes me happy, and find out for myself.