1. It’s not that I hate dancing, there are just things I would rather do. Like drink poison. In all seriousness, I’m just not that good at it. So that’s why the dancing in Lebanon is so perfect for me; as opposed to American dancing, where I can just blend in to the mass of incoherent writhing bodies, the most popular Lebanese dance, the Dubke, is set up as a circle. This way, every single person has an angle on just how bad I’m botching the steps and struggling for rhythm. I don’t dance with two left feet; it’s more like one left foot, and one horribly mangled left foot.

2. The toilets flush differently. Could be a European thing. I’ll check into it and get back to you on that one.

3. Have you ever seen Crank? It’s a movie where the protagonist can only keep his heart beating by doing things that raise his adrenaline level. Every Lebanese driver is like Crank. There are rules to the road, but they seemingly only serve as guidelines to ensure the drivers are doing the opposite. Two lane road? Make three lanes. Is traffic backed up? Go ahead and drive into oncoming cars if their lane is less busy. See that red light? It means yield. Barely. Lebanon is a mountain city, and yet not a guardrail exists. When recounting family deaths, plunges off cliffs are as common as heart attacks. “Yeah, Billy. Good guy. Drove off the cliff in ’93. Pretty sure it was the same one that did in Thomas.”

4. No one in Lebanon is named Billy or Thomas.

5. Lebanese weddings make American ones look like NPR Hosts: Watch This Blade of Grass Grow. A troupe of costumed dancers escort the bride from her house to the wedding, carrying her in one of those portable thrones that looks like it’s straight out of Aladdin. The ceremony is extravagant, the banquet has fireworks, more dancing, and so much food that the plates of food literally start stacking on the tables. The speeches by the family are so impassioned and dramatic, the speakers sound like they’re running for president. And then the groom and bride, surrounded by a group carrying drums, dance with swords. Remember the Royal Wedding? It’s similar to that.

6.  Lebanese TV is the same as American TV, except it’s all dubbed in Arabic. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Jack Sheppard shout Arabic obscenities at the Smoke Monster in Lost. It also ruins shows like 24. Buying Jack Bauer speaking in Arabic about Middle Eastern terrorism requires considerable suspension of disbelief.

7. In American, the goal is to have your face featured all over the city. Anyone from the Kardashians to politicians (often categorized together) have their picture hung all over the place. Lebanon hangs pictures all over the place as well, but it signifies something different there. Let’s just say that if you plan on living, you don’t want your picture to hang in Lebanon.

8. Shopping for memorabilia is largely the same as America: trinkets, port, except that all their memorabilia in some way incorporates a crucifix or the picture of a saint. Without exception. I once saw a toy jet with a little toy saint sitting in the cockpit. The box read that he “flies with engines of love and fires missiles of holy enlightenment.” The Pope said that once. Pretty much a direct quote.

9. People in Lebanon are so friendly. Where in America, you can barely get a handshake, everyone in Lebanon wants to embrace you and kiss you on your cheek, even when just meeting you. I like this. If you go around kiss people on their cheek in America, hope your ribs enjoy shanking.

10. Guns in Lebanon are like cell phones in America. Which is weird because cell phones in Lebanon aren’t even like cell phones in America. Everyone has one. And they fire them all the time. Hunting. Target practice. Celebratory shooting. Shooting for fun. Just…shooting. At all times, I was prepared for an errant bullet to shuffle me off this mortal coil. This is how Texans feel.

11. I drove from Chicago to L.A. The same distance in Lebanon would allow me to circumvent the country about 300 times. If I drove fast enough, the country would start to turn backwards, ala Superman: The Movie, and time would reverse.

12. Lebanese generosity is matched only by unbelievable Lebanese stubbornness. I got in a fight with a relative for three days because he insisted the scene in Superman where Supes flies backwards and reverses time is scientifically accurate. Like, all time is relative, and NASA could do the same thing if they could just create a shuttle like Superman. I’m pretty sure if NASA could create a shuttle like Superman, they would have done it already