And so they’re upon us yet again. The 84th annual award ceremony that cements in stone the arbitrary distinction of “best.” Packed with a slew of nods for mostly artsy and little-seen films, this year’s Academy Awards show won’t be breaking any ratings records — despite (and perhaps due to) the return of Billy Crystal as host/roast-master — but it will, at the very least, make a mention at Monday morning’s water cooler.

Accordingly, here are my picks for the 84th annual Academy Awards, complemented this year by explanatory haikus (because you can get self-important paragraphs from every other film critic, right?).

Best Picture: The Artist

With no nod for Shame,

The Artist was second best

And is way trendy.

 

Best Director: Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist

Best Picture winner

Also wins Best Director

So The Artist wins.

 

Best Adapted Screenplay: Alexander Payne, Jim Rash, & Nat Faxon, The Descendants

Not seen by many

But is really well written

Hugo may steal this.

 

Best Original Screenplay: Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris

A magical script

By an Academy fave

Means Allen will win.

 

Best Actor: Jean Dujardin, The Artist

Would go gay for Brad

Clooney was really great too

But Dujardin wins.

 

Best Actress: Viola Davis, The Help

Did you see The Help?

She will make you cry so hard.

Also she is black.

 

Best Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer, Beginners

Plummer will take it

Cause he is everyone’s pick.

Still prefer Nolte…

 

Best Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer, The Help

Spencer was awesome!

She made us love Minnie, while

feeding bigots poop.

 

Best Animated Film: Rango

A really fun film

Honors and lampoons The West

while Depp riffs Thompson.

 

Best Original Score: The Artist

Silent films need tunes

And so it will win Best Score

Because freakin’ duh.

 

Best Original Song: “Man or a Muppet,” The Muppets

Hilarious song

From one of the year’s best films

Plus guy from Big Bang.

 

Best Foreign Language Film: A Separation

Iranian film

Was a big hit across globe

With slight rhetoric.

 

Best Documentary Film: Undefeated

Backed by the Weinsteins

And sort of feels like Blind Side.

Pina could win too.

 

Best Cinematography: Tree of Life

Winner at Cannes fest

Flies above the heads of most

But looks real pretty.

 

Best Film Editing: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Kinetic editing!

Does anyone else recall

Bourne Ultimatum?

 

Best Art Direction: Hugo

Hugo is pretty

And backed by eleven noms.

Artist could upset.

 

Best Costume Design: The Artist

Great silent film garb

Will garner Oscar love. (and

no one saw Jane Eyre).

 

Best Sound Editing: Drive

Totes deserved more noms

Because Drive kicked major ass.

This will have to do.

 

Best Sound Mixing: Hugo

Well-balanced sound track

With ticking clocks, bustling trains

Whatever. It’s sound.

 

Best Visual Effects: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Those monkeys were neat

And made by computer guys

Who don’t get out much.

 

Best Make-Up: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2

This is their last chance!

Awesome wizards need credit

‘Till Rowling writes more.

 

Best Documentary Short Film: The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom

Very touching doc

Both breaks heart and lifts spirits

Also stars Asians!

 

Best Live Action Short: Raju

The best of the lot.

(But for the year’s best short films

Just go watch YouTube.)

 

Best Animated Short Film: La Luna

Did not see this one,

But it is the front runner

So I will say “sure.”

 

 

Those are all the categories, folks! If you think you can outguess me or just want to leave your thoughts on my haiku writing, please comment below. And check out the 84th annual Academy Awards tomorrow, February 26, starting at 4 p.m. Pacific Standard Time, on ABC.