If life has taught me anything, it’s that if you ever find a machine that clones people, destroy it. You would think all science fiction would have been enough of a deterrent against this unfortunate invention, but people are still tempted at the possibilities of cloning.

Just this week, I read a post on the internet that compiled various people’s desire to be cloned, called PLEASE, PLEASE CLONE ME, found here. One person is asking for a clone to cure his paralysis, but wonders what the ramifications will be on his soul (hint: not great). A woman said her dad died, and wishes to give birth to her dad’s clone so her son will be like her father. Which is weird in too many ways to go over now. These people are not simply inquiring about cloning possibilities or how to clone — they are specifically asking this guy to clone them now, like it’s common knowledge he has invented a cloning machine and is taking offers, but needs to hear people’s reasoning first.

The point is, people want to be cloned. Well, I’m here to tell you, sirs and mams, please do not give into temptation. But not for the reasons you would think. We already know the potential for you to create an army for yourself and take over the world. We understand the agricultural ramifications you would have on the planet because you are inconsiderate and eat way too much food. And we’ve all seen The Fly. But you have to think deeper. Here are six extremely critical reasons why it’s imperative you destroy any cloning devices you run across.

Reason Number 1: No one wants more than one of you. You alone are barely tolerable as it is. I wouldn’t say everyone hates you…more like everyone finds you borderline insufferable. Now you’re telling me we have to deal with more of you? No thanks. I’m already running out of excuses to avoid you. My list can’t take another one of you.

Reason Number 2: Unemployment rate. You’re not doing the next president any favors by cloning yourself. You’re already lazy, so it stands to reason your clones will be just as lazy. So now you have a bunch of lazy-ass clones running around who don’t want to get jobs and are living on the street begging for change. I already have to pretend I don’t hear you and seem like I’m preoccupied on my phone as I briskly walk by when you try to scam me into giving you loose change on the corner. Please don’t make me do that to more than one of you. And I hope you’re not planning on getting social security benefits or welfare. Our government programs specifically do not cover copies of yourself.

Reason 3: Your clones make your life hard. When you finally decide to get your act together and get a job, guess who you have to deal with? Competition from all your other clones who want the same job. And how do you compete with that? With all of their various experiences, they are bound to be more interesting than you are. Kiss your dream job goodbye as it’s taken by yourself.

Good luck getting your dream girl. You barely stood a chance as it was, and now there’s 30 of you. And clones is not a turn-on of hers.

Dig those new shoes? You better act fast, because your clones like them too, and they all wear your size. Be prepared for more disappointment than your already sorry self is used to.

Reason 4: Introspection makes you uncomfortable. So imagine this: as you’re lying on your resume to make yourself seem more exciting than your clones, you hear that your clone MURDERED SOMEBODY. And now you’re all out of sorts. Does that mean you’re a killer? Do you have the propensity for evil? Is it inherent within you, just waiting for the right moment to strike? No one likes to think about that. Don’t do that to yourself.

Reason 5: You’re silly. And your clone makes you realize that everyday. It’s like watching your own sex tape. Sure, filming it at the time might seem sexy, but then you’re faced with all your awkwardness and realize you’re just a hot mess. Your clone will tell all the same bad jokes, perform all the same flat flirtations, and just generally make you realize how silly you look to other people. Every day. It’s literally like a cure for people with high self-esteem.

Reason 6: Let sleeping raptors lie. It’s inevitable. Self-control issues have plagued you your entire life, cough-lush-cough, and it’s only a matter of time before your obsession with the cloning machine turns into an obsession with splicing. Soon, you’re mixing DNA willy-nilly, experimenting on combining yourself with animals. Giving yourself eagle wings. Walrus teeth. Sloth reflexes. But you won’t stop there. You’re going Jurassic Park on us, combining raptors and whatever ancient DNA frozen in amber that you can get your hands on. What’s next, machines? Hybrid cars are all the rage now, you gonna take advantage and go half-civic half-human? You’re sick.