G’day everyone! My name is Jason Hagerty, photographer, zoologist and explorer extraordinaire; and today I’m going to be sharing with you an EXCLUSIVE look at At The Buzzer’s recent safari inta the heart of the United States. For those of you unfamiliar with the state of Colorado, consider yourselves lucky. It is, quite literally, one of the most DANGEROUS places in the world. Only the most trained and seasoned explorers should even THINK about visiting there.

From killer butterflies that can cut you ta pieces in seconds with their knife-like wings, to rabid chipmunks that have spent millions of years evolving a DEVASTATING leap attack that they use to tear the throat, right out of yer neck. If that hasn’t peaked yer interest, then I don’t know what will. So join us, my fellow explorers, as I take you on visual journey in ta the jaws of death itself…

Tasked by wealthy (and handsome!) journalist and entrepreneur, Christopher Etling, ta catch and study live bears from the heart of the Colorado Rockies. Me and my group of scientists and explorers headed up north and into some of the most BEAUTIFUL and DEADLY country I’ve ever seen.

Our first stop was at Maxwell Falls; a place notorious for steep cliffs and sharp landings. As you can see from these photos, danger lurked behind each and every corner…

This here is all that was left of a previous expedition; you can tell from the lack of bodies that this was a BRUTAL bear attack. The Bears leave no survivors, and have even been known ta take the skins of their victims so that they can hide amongst the local populace. Quite crafty they are…

This here is one of our indentured- err, I mean one of our interns. We like ta keep bright young people like her around just in case we run inta any situations that require a certain amount of… finesse. Yeah, that’s it. Finesse. Just ignore her Red Shirt.

I should also take a second to mention the two Lebanese Pathfinders that we hired for our trek, the “El Tears”, which in their native tongue means “he who whines a lot”. They were invaluable for helping us track down our quarries and avoid the deadly bear traps (traps set by bears FOR people, not by people for bears) that dotted the area.

So there we were, nestled in the rocks and crevices of Maxwell Falls, when we came across one of the more dangerous critters in the territory: a Rabid Chipmunk…

Still on the hunt for more adventure, Mr. El Tears headed down inta the cliff-side in search of snakes and spiders for us ta trap (and eat). Apparently snake venom is a condiment for his people, who like to live dangerously.

It was then that we discovered that our wealthy benefactor and expedition founder, Mr. Etling, had gone missing…

All signs pointed ta a bear attack.

Luckily, with the El Tears on the trail, it didn’t take us long ta find him.

Unfortunately, Mr. Etling was forced ta kill his bear-attackers. And since we came looking ta capture one alive and well, we knew we’d have ta continue our trek inta the next day. So we returned ta our base camp ta regroup before heading out the next morning…

Always on the look-out for a new location to study wild bears, we headed ta a another river in the hopes that our search would, this time, “bear” fruit. Upon arriving, we were greeted ta a number of signs detailing the dangers of the local area…

I pity the poor souls that got stuck putting out these signs. May they rest in peace.

Clearly though, we were on the right track…

So we headed up inta the cliffs ta see what we could find. And although the terrain was indeed treacherous…

And the wildlife deadly…

We did not let that stop us from reaching the summit and continuing our search.

With our bird’s eye view, we spotted a potentially bountiful river snaking its way through the cliffs. Upon asking some of the locals if they’d spotted any bears recently, they told us they hadn’t. But they did inform us that a great treasure was rumored ta have been spotted nearby; some kind of “Gatorade Bottle”, a tool left behind from a bygone era. So, we headed off in search of it…

Although the rapids were quick and dangerous, we wouldn’t let a little thing like that stop us from reaching our prize. And like you’d expect from master explorers such as ourselves, it didn’t take very long for us to spot and retrieve this “Lost Gatorade Bottle”.

With our spoils packed away and our thirst for adventure hardly quenched, we headed further down river and inta the heart of the raging rapids. There, Mr. El Tears spotted a beautiful rock out-cropping (perfect for naps) that was simply too good ta pass up. Of course, ta get ta it, he’d have to cross one of the most DANGEROUS natural bridges I’d ever seen…

Despite being short a pair of shoes (since he proceeded ta through his other pair in afterwords in a fit of blind Lebanese rage) Mr. El Tears and party continued on our trek for many hours, but eventually had ta call it a night. Sadly, not a single bear was found. And with both our energy and supplies running low, we decided it was time to end our journey.

Hopefully though, this has been an enlightening and educational experience for all of you. I hope you learned a few tips along the way, and hopefully we’ll see you out there along with us some day; braving the wild, untamed areas of the world in search of adventure (and bears).

This is Jason Hagerty, wishing you all a g’day…