What do these three things have in common? Find out after the break.

Dawn of the five head

Not feeling particularly inspired this week, I asked a friend of mine what I should write about. Her first suggestion was I simply write about how cool she is. That I could fill thousands of words with the topic of her awesomeness. How discussing her limitless virtues would be the most emotionally resonant, powerfully poignant piece I have ever written.

After getting one sentence in and running out of nice things to say, I inquired about a second suggestion. Maybe one that I could actually write an entire article on. She suggested my forehead, and immediately followed by calling it a “five-head.”

Apparently, my forehead is gigantic. I’ve been able to skirt by all these years by hiding it with bangs, but after a recent fight with a lawn mower, my hair is short. Buzz short. And very soft and fuzzy. Unfortunately, it leaves my five-head exposed. This friend, on more than one occasion, has composed persuasive arguments about how forehead is actually more akin to a landing strip than a forehead.

I didn’t know what to make of this revelation. A five-head? Does it mean I’m super smart? More head real estate? Naturally. But what does it mean beyond that? Am I cursed to join the ranks of the legion of five-heads? And what does that even mean?

Would it be akin to the legion of gingers? I know South Park tackled this one already, but I must repeat; you can name all the famous gingers you know on one hand. One finger of one hand. And hell, I love gingers to death, but I don’t want to be genetically disposed to failure.

Famous five heads

So I explored famous five-heads. Here’s what I found.

• Edward Norton-Five head. Amazing actor. Scary guy.
• Aaron Paul-Another great actor, and main character in my favorite current running television show, Breaking Bad.
• Christian Slater-WTF? Christian Slater was in…Broken Arrow? I mock him, and yet he made more money in that film than I’ll in my whole life.

And there are some more. After finding Christian Slater, I googled images of Broken Arrow for 40 minutes, then got tired and took a nap. Now that I’ve awoken, I’ve forgotten what I was even talking about.

Moonrise Kingdom

Speaking of Edward Norton, I watched Moonrise Kingdom last week. I was treated to, without a doubt, the cutest, most adorable movie I have ever seen. The love story of Sam and Suzy is ripe with “eek-ness,” the actors (including Norton) are at the top of their game, and the film is appropriately hilarious while exploring some deeper themes about love and the human condition. Go see this movie. Best of 2012 thus far.

Chick-Fil-A

Speaking of Chick-Fil-A, I once ate a sandwich at Chick-Fil-A. It was a breaded chicken sandwich. Too much mayonnaise, as I recall. Then I got food poisoning and threw up for 12 hours. Related? Who can say? But what’s up with their name? That’s not how you spell chicken, and it’s not how you spell filet, and it’s also not a pun of any meaning. So it’s just misspelled. For funsies. Weird. And that is my two cents on the Chick-Fil-A fiasco.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

Final tangent: there is a movement to remove caps lock from the computer. My five head and I cannot fathom why this would be. Remove it? So when I’m shouting in text, I have to hold down shift the whole time? Nice idea, dumbass. Why don’t we just consolidate the entire alphabet onto five keys as well? T-9 the s*** out our keyboards. This is the real controversy.