Once upon a time, I had a neck beard. See? It’s right here.

It was a glorious neck beard, as glorious as a neck beard can possibly be. Which is substantially glorious. With my neck beard proudly in tow, we went on all sorts of wild and crazy adventures.

Like, for example, one day I sat on my ass for like 10 hours straight, standing only to find the Papa John’s phone number from the front of the fridge, and then again to pay the guy from Papa John’s. He gave me incorrect change, but my neck beard didn’t want to correct him. And so I didn’t.

Then I ate the entire pizza and still felt hungry.

The purpose of this allegorical tale was to chronicle the ascent of me becoming 83 percent more fat over this time period. Clearly, I just let go. But not of everything. While my body was ailing, my mind was flourishing – I read, like, every meme that I could find on the internet, and my “socially awkward penguin” memes even got upvoted on Reddit. TWICE.

And that’s just an example of the gold I was producing at the time. I was an inspired artist, my neck beard my muse.

Not long after, I played a game of soccer. My neck beard was sweating within the first three minutes, and, after getting confident, my attempt to change direction resulted in my hip popping out.

I still feel it to this day.

I dismiss your judgment, and in the same motion swipe it away from my shoulder. Like I would dirt. Dirt on my shoulder.

My neck beard and I worked at Sonic Drive-In. Also known as America’s Drive-In, for those of you that aren’t American. Every day, I waddled back and forth, delivering orders to people who were almost as fat as me. Then I’d walk back in, their pity tip in hand, and order two thousand-island cheeseburgers, a chicken dinner, fries, and a shake. Was I ordering food for a bus filled with high school volleyball players? No. My neck beard needed nourishment, so I devoured all of the food. Like a cow. A fat hungry cow. With a tapeworm. And no self-esteem.

Grow yourself a neck beard, and you too can enjoy the perks of this fast paced life.

The end