Believe it or not, America, I am currently creating my own game. That’s right — after the prestige I gained from the At The Buzzer radio show, it was only natural that I would move into game development. My game is still in the early stages, and the production crew is made up of only me…and I don’t actually know how to program anything. But what I have so far is really promising.

In case you were wondering, it’s a role-playing game. To create my masterpiece, I have taken inspiration from countless RPGs and carefully studied their tried-and-true conventions. Without further ado, I present to you elements of “Tales of the Chronicles: The Final Myth of the Legendary Fable.”

Protagonist: Depending on which decade you’re playing the RPG in, the hero of the story is either a brooding whiner with a hair style that defies the laws of physics, or the completely silent type who literally does not speak a single word of dialogue throughout the whole course of the game. And has amnesia. My hero will possess all of these diverse character traits.

Also, the hero will have to come from the most humble of beginnings. Perhaps an orphan from the slums, or maybe even the astonishingly average daughter of a librarian. As the RPG genre has shown us, destiny does not choose individuals with any semblance of battle training or really any idea of what it would be like to actually kill something. Apparently, hapless farmers and adolescent teenagers who look no more fit to wield a weapon than my 12-year-old sister make far better “Chosen Ones.”

Item Procurement: Since before time, RPGs have demonstrated that the procurement of items often comes in unconventional ways. For example, the best way to obtain that rare potion or extra gold is to kill monsters who leave these items behind after they are vanquished. The hero kills a bird, and it dropped 500 gold. How? Where did that come from? The answer, apparently, is every monster in the genre lives off a strict diet of human beings and currency. Then again, who am I to question; RPGs have been doing this for years, and if they say the Humanoid Kitty Slime leaves behind a Diamond Bangle when it’s killed, then by god, that’s what happens.

Villager Interactions: Another tried-and-true method of gaining items is to walk into townspeople’s homes at any hour and explore. You don’t need to knock, and their doors are always unlocked. When you enter, the owners are unconcerned with your egregious trespassing; instead, they proceed to share a piece of irrelevant information, or drivel on about small inconveniences in their day. “I yearn for the day when the festival comes to town!” Sir, a boy wielding what most would consider an excessive amount of weaponry just strolled through your front door. “Oh, how I do adore a good festival!”

Better yet, if you find something of value hidden in their crate or behind their clock, it’s yours for the taking. Why did the old man hide an elixir inside of his flower pot? Doesn’t matter — it’s yours!

Journey: It’s not a true RPG without its fair share of meaningless roundabout quests, and my game will be no different. Want the key to the dungeon door that looks like it could be forced open in about five minutes? Well then, you want the Dungeon Key. Unfortunately, some old, decrepit man currently has the Dungeon Key in his front left pocket, and he won’t hand it over until you clear the Giant Rats from his basement. However, these are not just any normal Giant Rats — these are Super Giant Rats, which can only be vanquished with the Rat Killer Sword. Regrettably, the sword is only located at the top of the Mountain of Eternal Death. This wouldn’t be so bad, except it requires the Mountain of Eternal Death Key to enter…

Finale: The finale of any RPG has to consist of an epic boss battle with the androgynous villain. After the villain’s first death, he will come back from the dead, but somehow more powerful than he was the first time. After killing his zombie ass for a second time, a newer, scarier villain, with no tie to the plot whatsoever, arises out of nowhere and threatens to destroy, like, the entire universe or something. Then the good guys, who are on the brink of defeat, rely on a Deus Ex Machina miracle in a metaphysical battle taking place in some alternate dimension to vanquish the evil once and for all.  For my game, I’ve narrowed down the miracle to “the power of shining friendship” or “inexplicable increase in might due to raging emotions.” Cue cliffhanger ending indicating a sequel. Roll credits.