Recently I happened to catch a commercial saying that the Mega Millions jackpot had reached $300 million. 300 million smackeroos for buying a $1 ticket and getting some numbers right. Usually you see the people who win these are either the elderly or the backwoods poor people who then have no idea what to do with it when they win. Hell, as we covered on our episode last week, people sometimes even throw away their winning tickets. Now the chances of winning this are slim to none, but seeing that made me wonder, what would I do if I ever did win Mega Millions?

First, let’s quickly look at a story of a person that went broke, and we’ve got a doozy for you: Billy Bob Harrell. Billy Bob won $31 million from the Texas Lottery. Life was good for a while…until he couldn’t say no to anyone, including his wife, who asked for a divorce. Billy Bob literally gave away all his money, falling into depression until he eventually committed suicide.

Now that I’ve thoroughly depressed you, I’ll tell you there’s no way that this would ever happen to me. I’ve worked in finance and banking too long to blow through everything that quickly. I can, however, tell you what I’d do. If this is too logical for you, I apologize. Maybe Shaun can do the “buy your own island and conduct mad scientist experiments” blog post on Friday. Let’s assume for these purposes (because it’s easy) that I took the lump sum and only got about 60% of the $300 million. Let’s also assume I have no kids in this scenario, because…well, I don’t.

1. Buy a huge house on the beach. I mean…this is a given, isn’t it? $180 million is my lump sum settlement; if I get a nice house for $10 million I think I’m OK with the remaining $170 million. I’d get this one right in Southern California and make sure that I can get down to the beach within 5 minutes. I’m not done, though; I’d also get a great mountain house in Colorado ($1 million house sound good?) and then a great house here in AZ as well (gotta stay close to my roots; let’s say a $500,000 house). Money spent so far: $11.5 million.
2. Upgrade the cars. Now, I’ve never been a big car guy. I’m much more interested in the smoothness of the ride, and what cool stuff it has as features than I am body design or power. So I won’t be buying a $600,000 Maybach or a Rolls Royce or anything like that. I’ll be very happy with a $100,000 Lexus or something like that. Let’s get three (one more for me, one for the girlfriend) for good measure. Money spent: $11.8 million.
3. Trips, trips and more trips. I have always wanted to explore the world. I have always wanted to see the different countries and their different cultures. I figure that if I spend an entire year of my life traveling with a partner, we’d spend maybe $500,000, and that’s probably overstating it. But let’s go crazy, half a million it is. Money spent: $12.3 million.
4. Furnishing the houses. Let’s say I hire the best people for interior design. Buy the most top of the line furniture. (I wouldn’t go too crazy on art… I mean… I don’t really care). Let’s budget $1.2 million for the three houses. Money spent: $13.5 million.
5. …??? That’s it…I’m out. I mean I’d probably end up spoiling Courtney with jewels and whatever. And maybe then I’d blow another million on trips to Vegas and other things that I might want. I mean…it’s a million dollars; that’s not that easy to spend. But regardless, let’s throw that in. Total spent: $14.5 million.

This means that to set myself for life, I’ve spent less than 10% of my winnings. Immediately I would take that remaining amount and put it in a very safe investment. Something that would earn 5% or so…even though I could probably get a better rate, I want it to be safe. For those of you who don’t want to do math, 5% of $153.5 million dollars is $7.675 million…per year.

Now answer me this…HOW DO YOU GO BROKE ON THAT? I would undoubtedly make no news whatsoever, and would not be a famous lottery winner. I’m totally cool with that. Maybe I’m heartless, but I think I could say no to people who were asking for the handouts, unlike our friend Billy Bob. I’d take some of that $7 million a year and make At the Buzzer go HUGE. And then…well, I can’t imagine I’d do much else than enjoy the hell out of every day.