That’s right, penguins.

Penguins are awesome. This is not open for debate. There are acceptable debates about penguins, such as “penguins: best animals or best animals ever?” That’s fine. An example of an incorrect conversation is something like “dogs are better than cats,” because neither are better than penguins, so who cares about your stupid debate.

No one’s really sure where the word penguin came from. Since we don’t know the country of origin, I’m left to assume that penguin comes from the Spanish word “penguino,” which means “monochromatic awesomeness.” You’re just going to have to take my word on this because I’m a journalist and research is what I do best.

A commonly accepted fact is that penguins can’t fly. That fact is incorrect. Penguins are simply generous enough that they restrict themselves to the water, because flying penguins would have already conquered 47 countries by now. I’m looking at you, France. Besides, if penguins decided to fly all the time, people would constantly be asking them for rides. Penguins are generous, but you have to give something in return.

People think that penguins waddle, but that implies that penguins are fat. I prefer the term “shuffle.” Penguins shuffle everywhere. Every day they’re shuffling. When penguins aren’t shuffling, they’re sliding around on their stomachs at the speed of light.

All of this explains why I bought Fuzzy the Penguin at the Denver Aquarium as part of the trip. He made his first appearance in our 20,000 hits video, but then he ran rampant all over Eldorado Canyon in Colorado:

So yeah. Penguins. Deal with it.