Resume: Phoenix Suns’ Floor Mopper Boy

Here is my resume again, updated for the Suns season. The one where they are going to make the playoffs. 

Shaun El-Ters

Utilize my excellent mopping skills, superb mop history, and quick reaction time to become a Phoenix Suns’ floor mopper. A new era of Suns basketball calls for a new era of Suns floor mopper.

 Education

Parent’s House
Major: What is 12 years of Jeopardy watching?
Minor: Three hundred episodes of Wheel of Fortune
Additional Education:

• Comprehensive understanding of Hogwart’s architecture
• Watched every Suns’ game since 1987

Relevant Skills

• Six years of mopping my floor for chore money
• Phenomenal ability to identify various liquids, especially on wood floors
• Above-average knowledge of sweat and tears (same exact thing)
• Motivated and hard working for at least the entire first five minutes
• Personable – cats adore me
• Possess efficient mopping technique
• Accommodating to the Sun’s high amount of foreign players – give me five minutes, and I can normally find Poland on a globe

Professional experience

Parent’s House                                 –                             October 1986 – today, if you hire me

Floor mopper AND sweeper

Supervisor Name: “Mother dearest,” though she insists on “mom” or “Lynn.”

Supervisor Phone: Speed dial # 2

Job Duties /Accomplishments:

• Experience working in a fast paced environment while being peppered with exasperated questions like why I didn’t do anything with my life.
• Developed efficient mopping skills that allowed me to both mop and watch highlights of Suns’ games from the other room.
• Developed ability to acquiesce to any demand due to my complete and systematic loss of any sort of dignity.
• Endured my father’s shame.
• Established positive and supportive relationships with occasional guests of the house and a few of my little sister’s friends.
• Demonstrated leadership when my mom was gone for more than an hour grocery shopping and I called the police.
• Exposed to frequent mopping practice when my sister’s friends intentionally spill soda on the floor and demand that I immediately mop it up. Then they laugh at me, but I don’t mind.

Parent’s Lawn              –               Since birth, but that all changes today when you hire me

Mopping Supervisor of Imaginary Mopping Staff

Supervisor Name: Goran Dragic sipping a Margarita with his shirt off and winking at me.

Supervisor Phone: Love like ours transcends words.

Job Duties/Accomplishments:

• Lead a team of moppers and sweepers during pretend Suns’ games taking place in the pretend US Airways Center in my parent’s backyard.
• Drained the game winning full court shot when the imaginary Suns players were all injured in a freak accident and they asked me to sub in.
• Promoted to Mopping Team Leader due to my uncanny mopping abilities and hard work ethic.
• Voted fan favorite mopper 15 years running.
• Goran Dragic slaps my ass discreetly when he runs through the tunnel.

Additional Skills/Hobbies

• Sewing realistic, life-size Goran Dragic dolls
• Collecting mop heads…that I then use as hair for my dolls
• Follow Marcin Gortat on Twitter
• Please give me this job